


It's Hard to Be Alone

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt Keith (Voltron), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Protective Shiro (Voltron), Sad Keith (Voltron), Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 14:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14451123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: To many Langst, not enough Keith. Lance may have insecurity, but my boy Keith is a messed up child. *Pre season three!*Keith has always felt left out and unwanted. He was abandoned by his parents, had to leave the Garrison, and now even among the people he's felt closest to, he's all alone. Loneliness is one of the worst pains, especially when that loneliness is accompanied by the thought that no one loves you, and to top it off, Keith hates himself more than he thinks they hate him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is my first Keith angst fanfiction and my first Voltron fanfiction all together (I've written them before, just never posted)  
> Warning!: this contains certain things that might be triggering to people. I don't want it to be too much for anyone.

Keith couldn't get all the thoughts off his mind. All the thoughts saying he failed as a paladin. He failed the mission. If could've just stayed inside the Galra ship a little longer, he wouldn't have. But he panicked for no reason. He left the ship before he got all the information because Galra soldier where coming. He could have fought them off but instead he decided to leave, and the mission was pretty much aborted. He only acquired half of what they needed. 

'I can't believe you were such an idiot! We needed that into, Keith! And you just blew it. Anyone could've done better.'

That was more hurtful than Lance could've ever realized. If Keith hadn't spent so many years masking the pain and anger that he felt, he might have broken down. What he would've done in that breakdown, he didn't know. He didn't want to hurt anyone, he never wanted to hurt anyone. So he kept himself under control, at least most of the time. Because he had worn his mask so long, it made him seem like a generally moody person. He didn't want to be seen as that. He wanted to be seen as someone who could love and be loved. But the fact was he couldn't love, and he wasn't loved. 

This realization hurt like hell. It burned like a fire in his head, forcing thoughts into his mind that shouldn't have been there. All he could do half the time was hear those thoughts. And they wouldn't go away. Over the years they had gotten worse, and they became the worst when he joined Voltron. The pressure on him that the universe depended on his as one of the paladins was too much to bare. If you slip up even once, everyone pays. And he slipped up all the time. He couldn't bare to see the disapproving looks from Allura when he failed, he couldn't stand the insults Lance shot at him every single day. And he couldn't bare the hate his own mind gave him. 

His mind was always active day and night. In nightmares and unquenchable thoughts of self hatred. Worthless, stupid, unlovable, unwanted, idiot. Some words just tended to pop in his head and when they did, tears stung his eyes and his chest tightened. 'Of course you are alone. The people who are alone are always the ones who were never worth loving in the first place.'

"I wish this would just all end! I wish it would end!" Keith exclaimed. He had gone through so many years, just simply masking the pain. No one saw through his charade, and that hurt more than anything. No one cared to ever even ask if he was okay. No one even cared to speak with him. He was just Keith, the loner. The nobody. The unwanted paladin. He was alone and unwanted.

 

Keith stepped out of his room in the morning, even though he wished he could stay there forever, not have to see the faces of the people he wanted to love, but somehow couldn't accept that they loved him. Even the smallest jabs hurt him. At one point in his life, he would've ignored them, but after such a long period of only hearing those small insults or those big ones, he couldn't handle it anymore. He was breaking on the inside, and no one saw it.

"Hey mullet," Lance greeted. "Why don't you smile, no one wants to smile and I'm having a bad day already." Keith raised an eyebrow but still forced a half smile. Lance's eyes widened and he quickly covered his eyes. "Nope I think that made it worse." Keith's facial expression displayed hurt and embarrassment, but it was very vague and of course, Lance didn't notice. At least at first. When he turned around he frowned. "What? It was just a joke, lighten up, Keith." Keith pursed his lips and nodded gently, but inside he didn't believe him. 

At breakfast, Keith wasn't hungry. He couldn't even force one bite down. Allura glanced at him with concern. "Keith, eat something. It's a very stressful time that we're in and you need energy," she said. Keith sighed and stood up.

"No thank you, Princess. I think I just need to go train," he replied. His voice sounded weak and quiet but no one noticed it as being different than his usual sullenness. Only Shiro and Allura seemed in the least concerned, and as far as Keith knew, they were only concerned about him being a danger to the team when low on energy. He wished they would just say something anything that showed they were more concerned about him than just for his capability on missions. He probably would answer with a lie, saying that he was alright, but at least he would know that they actually cared. He just needed to know if they cared. But he already knew. They didn't.

He arrived in the training room and took out his bayard. He tightened his hand around it and took a deep breath. "Training level five," he called out. The training simulation began and he started to fight against the training bot. He began on a level that was higher than he usually started, but that didn't matter to him. He just needed something to let out what he was feeling. He needed an outlet. Level five was soon over and he continued on until he was nearly as exhausted as when he fought at the Blade of Marmora. But he still continued. He knew it wasn't healthy for him to exert himself to such an extent, but the feeling of adrenaline rushing through his blood made him feel like he was alive, and he didn't feel dead.  
"Training level...fifteen," he half gasped. He waited for a moment and then there was a loud beep. "I am sorry, I cannot go to that level for it is above the safety level set for you." Keith gritted his teeth. "So they made a safety level for me." He didn't even take a moment to think that maybe there were safety levels for all of the paladins. "Do it. It doesn't matted. I need to fight. Override, 1772Omega19 Shiro. Remove the safety lock." "Removing safety lock." Keith took a deep breath again and smiled. "Thanks. Now, put on training level fifteen." "Level fifteen." The training robot appeared again and Keith began to fight like his life depended on it.  
By the time he reached level sixteen, he was beyond exhausted and could barely fight anymore. He wanted to reach level twenty, but it was too hard. His heart was reaching a speed that was unsafe for him and he had gone for two whole hours of intense training without water. He felt that any moment he may pass out, but his mind told him that if he stopped now he would be admitting that he was weak. So on went level seventeen. "I...can...finish this." His breathing didn't sound good because it came out in short, sharp almost pained gasps. But once again, the training robot appeared and he began to fight. He attacked as hard as he could. But after only a few seconds, he was knocked to the ground. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes because of the pain and exhaustion that he felt. The bot stood above him and lifted its sword and just as Keith was about to reach for his, it disappeared leaving empty space. 

"What..?" He forced himself to stand and he hunched over. He looked up, his eye sight slightly blurry and saw Shiro. "Shiro, why did you—"  
"It was too much Keith. You could've gotten hurt. I know it's only a simulation but Keith—you went over the safety level. I thought you would know better than that," he said gently. Keith knotted his eyebrows together.  
"You only set those because you think that...that—that I'm not good enough, not strong enough to go higher. Well I did it. And I could've —"  
"No, Keith. Its not safe! You're exhausted. You can't do this to yourself. You need to know you're own limits," Shiro said. Keith shook his head and the unwanted tears appeared in his eyes.

"I do know my own limits. And I've passed them in the past, I can do it again. In fact, I do it every single day but no one, no body cares. I'm tired of everyone seeing me as weak and incompetent!" he shouted. He turned around and ran blindly out of the room until he reached his own room, where he collapsed on his bed.  
"What's the point?" he asked, his voice cracking. "No one thinks I can do anything. Not even Shiro! I could have beat that robot!" He squeezed his eyes shut and tears ran down his face. He bit his lip, but fighting the inevitable was impossible. Only a few seconds later, he began to cry. And he really cried. The crying was silent but the tears wouldn't stop falling. His whole body shook with his silent sobs, the sobs he wanted to hide because he was ashamed of them. He knew that he was worthless. He just wished no one else knew it. All his thoughts came back to him as he remembered how everyone in his life saw him as a nobody. Kicked out, abandoned, alone. That what he was. He was all alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one understood. None except Keith himself. He wanted to die.

Keith hadn't eaten since dinner the night before. Nothing seemed appetizing to him. Sometimes people wondered why he was so thin and often very pale and the truth was, he didn't have any type of disease, but sometimes he just couldn't bring himself to eat. The mere thought of it made him agonizingly sick. He never had any type of eating disorder, but being short of an appetite was something he had grown used to. For nearly four years there were days in a row where he ate nothing but a few bites of food. At times it became too much for him to choke down food because of the already unbearable pain that he felt, the type of sadness that could make someone ill. This was the reason he was so pale, and so thin. Yet no one really wanted to know, they believed it to just be his normal build and complexion. 

The red paladin paced back and forth in his room, his heart pumping widely. He wanted to clear his mind but pacing only made it run more. He wanted to go and be with other people, which was a rare thing but at this moment, the loneliness was too unbearable. There were certain days where everything toppled down on top of him, and on those days, all he wanted was to feel anything other then the pain. He wanted to feel love most of all. But how, he didn't know. If he asked for someone just to care, they would laugh and he would feel even worse. Asking such a thing would only make him seem weaker than he already was. 

By the time night came around, he had given up. He was too tired to do anything more and all he wanted was eternal rest. Eternal rest. It sounded so peaceful. Death seemed like an escape, but Keith knew that killing himself wasn't the way out. There had to be another way out. Even if it practically killed him just to be alive every day, he knew he had too. He was a paladin of Voltron and as hard as he tried to deny it, the universe needed him. That bid, his lion. He was just the pilot. He did nothing, nothing at all except pilot one of the lions. He always questioned whether anyone actually needed him and as time went by, he began to doubt it more and more.

"You are alone, Keith. Love isn't something given to a creature that is of a race that you are. They may say you're good, but inside you're just as empty as the rest of the Galra. Allura says she trusts you, but it's all lies. You can are it in her eyes. She hates you, and no matter how hard you try, you'll never be anything but scum to her. And Shiro...do you think he trusts you? You're of a race that destroyed his life! The evidence is on him, and the scars and marks of their hideous torture will never leave him. He will always see you as one of them..."

"No! No, I refuse to believe that!" Keith yelled back into the darkness.

"But you already do. You already do. And we all know that you are worthless." With the last word, the one voice changed into five and the rest of the paladins and Allura stepped out. Keith stepped back and his chest began to tighten up. He tried to gasp for air but he couldn't breathe. He couldn't feel. All he could see was those he counted closest to him, looking back at him as if he were a piece of dirt. Tears welled up in his eyes but he couldn't feel them. They ran down his face uncontrollably and he couldn't wipe them away. He wanted to scream, beg them to love him, beg them to understand him, but his throat had closed. He couldn't breathe. Everything went black.

Keith sat up straight in his bed, heart pumping widely, tears streaming down his face. He had another one. Another heart wrenching, soul destroying. One that brought up all the thoughts that surfaced every day and brought up the ones buried in his subconscious by himself. One that left him crying the whole night, one that left him unable to sleep, one that left him unable to breathe. 

He layer back down and clutched the blankets tightly around him, searching for some sort of comfort. But it brought no warmth. No love. No compassion. It was as much of an object as he, and he couldn't bare to hold it close. So he tossed it to the ground and stood from his bed. There was no point in sleeping after what had just gone on inside his head, so he decided to roam aimlessly around the ship. He left his room and walked around the endless halls and finally found himself on the bridge. He walked over to the window and stared out into the vastness of space. There was no one around and for once everything was quiet. Being alone was agony, but being by himself often was better than being in company. At least at some instances. It gave him time to clear his thoughts.

He places he hand on the cool glass and his eyes glazed over. "It's so empty. So cold. Everything is just, so cold..." He bit his lip and slid his hand down across the glass. His knees began to quiver and he sank to the ground. Everything around him felt so cold. He pulled his knees to his chest and began to cry into his arms. He stayed that way for an hour or so and then finally, the peacefulness of sleep took over and he rested his heart.

Shiro walked onto the bridge and greeted Keith with a smile when he saw him there. "Hey Keith. You're up early," he commented. Keith nodded gently.

"I could say the same for you," he replied. Shiro nodded 

"Yeah. You know what they say. The early bird catches the worm. Hey, you okay? I just wanted to make sure after—" Keith cut him off.

"I'm fine. I was just...angry. I shouldn't have been," he said. 'But you had every right to be.' Shiro smiled and put a hand on the younger paladin's shoulder.

"Its alright. I understand. I care about you Keith, I just don't want you to hurt yourself. Youre a valuable member of the team," he said kindly. Keith nodded, but believing it was something he couldn't bring himself to do.

"Thanks. If you don't mind, I'm gonna go train. Don't worry about me. I won't do more than I can handle," he said he wasn't exactly sure if he was lying or not. He wanted to push his limits, make it so that the others would see his worth but he also knew that if he pushed himself too hard, they may see that something was wrong, that is, if they played enough attention.

Shiro nodded slowly. "I know. I trust you," he answered. Keith stepped away from Shiro and as he walked away he whispered, "You shouldn't." 

Once again he trained harder than what was good for him but it made him feel better. It made him forget all his troubles and pains, even though by overworking himself, he was just adding new ones. Lance secretly watched him, and each minute increased his concern. He hadn't been worried until then, until he saw how Keith fought. It wasn't normal. He was fighting at a level he should have been fighting at and he looked absolutely exhausted. He was pushing himself way too far and he had a look on his face that nearly caused Lance to have a heart attack. He'd known Keith as this hot-shot with some teen angst, but somehow this Keith was different and it scared him. He wanted to say something, but him and Keith weren't exactly 'friends.' They were more like frenemies.

A while longer passed and Lance started to wonder whether he should stop him. He wasn't looking good. Almost sick. He finally shook his head and weighed. "I'll count myself as his friend by doing this," he said in an almost annoyed tone. He ran out onto the training deck. "End training sequence," he called. The robot disappeared and Keith glared at Lance, but the glare was sharp or pointed, it was rather wavering.

"Lance, what the heck?" he said weakly. Lance crossed his arms.

"Keith, you can't do this. I heard about yesterday and you've got to stop. You look awful. You look ready to pass out." Keith shook his head, but he did feelready to pass out.

"Shut up Lance. Stop insulting...me. I can...can....can do this....d—deal with this....on my own," he gasped. His vision blurred. He cursed weakly and then collapsed on the ground. Lance's eyes widened and he rushed over.

"Oh quiznak. This isn't good." He put his arms around Keith and lifted him up. He was a lot lighter than he expected him to be. That was a food thing at the moment though because he had to get Keith to the stasis pods. He was incredibly pale and sweat covered his face. Lance couldn't understand why he would do that to himself. It just didn't make any sense. He thought Keith knew better than that. He wished he had answers for the ways that the red paladin acted sometimes.

After calling Allura, he rushed Keith to the pods and laid him in one. He stared at him as the glass closed around him and the others joined him. Shiro looked upset but also extremely worried. He had rarely seen Keith in such a state of weakness. He could've killed himself from what Lance said. They needed him for their plan of attack against the Galra and they all cared for him greatly and couldn't allow him to push himself that far. "Why?" Shiro quietly asked. Allura shrugged.

"It was a mistake. He must've not realized how—"

"No, he did. I know he did. I understand he wants to be well trained, but we went over this. I just don't understand." No one understand. None except for Keith himself. He wanted to die.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All is hopeless. All happiness...it goes away."

After everyone had gone, Allura watched Keith as he rested in the stadis pod. Usually when someone was in stasis, they had a more peaceful look to them, but Keith didn't seem to be peaceful at all. Every now and then he would clench his teeth and make a paineds expression and each time she would check his vital signs I!immediately, worried that something was wrong. Luckily, each time there wax nothing wrong and she felt beyond relieved. His eyes were moving quickly underneath his lids which caused Allura to assume he was dreaming. Whatever he was dreaming about wasn't pleasant. Each moment he would make facial depression that seemed unusual and caused Allura to wonder more whatvwas going on inside his head.

After about an hour, Shiro came in and joined her. He sat down next to her and stared forward at Keith. "How's he doing?" he asked.

"As good as is to be expected after hge exhausted himself like that. Why would he do such a foolish thing?" she asked, but there was more concern in her voice than anything else. Shiro shrugged. He knew no more than she did. He and Keith had known each other for years yet suddenly he felt like he didn't know him at all.

"I just don't know. Keith has always been reckless but in different ways. Ways that make you smile and make you proud when he comes out alright. It worries you, but then you figure out he knew what he was doing. This time it's different," he said. Allura nodded. 

"Yes, I understand what you mean. I'm worried about him. He's been acting strangely for the past week. Perhaps it's the stress?" Shiro nodded.

"I hope. I'll talk to him once he's alright again. I gotta figure this out." Shiro nodded in agreement. He sighed and stood up to leave.

"I should go train with the other paladins. I'll see you later," he said softly. Allura smiled at him and nodded.

"Goodbye, Shiro. I'll keep watch over him and make sure nothing goes wrong," she replied. Shiro nodded with a smile and then left.

Keith groaned as the stasis pod opened up. Allura gasped and put her arms around Keith, steadying him as he recovered from the shock of waking up from stasis. He slowly came out of his daze as Allura steadied him on his feet. "Keith, how are you? We were worried about you," she said softly. Keith shook his head.

"I was fine. You didn't need to worry. I just...wasn't thinking. I just overworked myself. You're making a big deal out of nothing," he said quietly. Allura looked at him worriedly. Keith glanced back at her and slowly walked away. Her mouth opened slightly and she reached out for his hand.

"Keith, please. If there is something wrong. I can help. Shiro—"

"Shiro doesn't know what is wrong! He can't do anything about what is wrong. Neither can you. I can handle myself on my own," he said. He pulled his hand away and stormed out of the room, leaving the Late an princess dumbfounded and speechless. There was something wrong. And Keith had just admitted it. But what? What was wrong? She needed to talk to Shiro immediately.

Keith walked into the bay where Red was and sat down with his back against the liomn's leg. He closed his eyes as a small feeling of comfort washed over him. He could hear the purringf of the lion in his head, a soft gentle purring, telling him it would be alright. It was reassuring, gentle, kind and loving. It was the only love and comfort he had felt in so long. But even so, it couldn't completely block out the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness that he felt in his heart. 

Red sent a gentle rumble down to Keith and he somehow feltr her telling him that he was loved and cared for, and as he felt this, a tear slipped down his cheek. "I've been told that," he said horsely. "But I can't believe it." He took a deep breath to calm himself and pulled his knees to his chest. A lump caught in his throat and attempted to swallow it. "I don't think that the universe really needs me. Allura could just do it. Her feather piloted you, I—I don't think I can do this anymore." He buried his face into his knees and clenched his teeth, promising himself he wouldn't cry. "I won't. I won't cry. I can't. It won't help." For once he was silent. Crying had never done him any good and only made him feel sick inside. So he was silent and no tears fell. When he realized he couldn't cry, that nothing would be changed by his tears he felt numb. No outlet. Nothing. There was no way out. 

Red's eyes began to glow and she bent her head down and let out a deep gentle, growl. Keith slowly stood up and Red opened her mouth and he went inside. He sat down in his seat and grabbed onto the controls. He closed his eyes as he felt Red speaking to him in his heart and he squeezed the controls tighter. In his mind's eye he saw the planets he helped as a part of Voltron, the people who he had rescued. For a moment it was helpful and he smiled gently. A feeling of serentity swept through him. But when Red's presence left him, he felt empty again. He sighed and let go of the controls.

"All is hopeless. All happiness.... It goes away." He stood up and left Red and entered his room. He didn't bother turn on the lights. Why change the outward appearance of things when the inside was so dark? At least that's the way Keith felt. Darkness and an empty room seemed welcoming. That was very contradicting to the way he'd felt recently. He had just needed something, something that brought light and a little happiness. But after what happened whdsn he was with Red, he gave up. He felt drained and absolutely exhausted. His chest felt tight and he wanted to let out something, but he couldn't. No tears washed away the endless pain he felt, no amount of training or work took his mind off of it.

Was it all so hopeless? The world seemed like a black, empty, pit waiting to swallow Keith up. He was already falling and becoming closer each day to the bottom—absolute worst. His feet dangled inches away from it and the more he strained to climb out of it, the weaker he became and the closer he came to the bottom. He didn't understand it. No tears were enough, nothing could get rid of it, and the more he realized this, the more he wanted to cry, yet no tears fell. His body shook as he sat on his bed, tightly holding on to his pillow but there was not a sound comingf from him. He was shaking from the cold feeling inside his chest, the one that froze his heart day and night.

"Why won't it just leave?" he asked himself, his voice cracking. "Why won't it go away? I—it just s—stays day and night, torturing me and it won't go away! When will in go away? I can't bear this pain anymore and I'm alone. It's so hard to...be alone." His voice cracked with every word and with every word he wanted to cry more and more but he didn't. And he was lucky he didn't, because outside of Lance stood there, his hand ready to knock. He was just about to tell Keith that they were all going to have dinner and ask if he wanted to come out of his room and eat with them, but he was stopped when he heard Keith talking to himself. He stared at the door, eyes wide. As he looked forward, a tear ran down his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn't a Klance fanfic, Lance and Keith are just friends and Lance really cares for Keith like a brother.


End file.
